Maggie Shnayerson

That’s it? “OK” is my only option?

I feel terribly hemmed in here.

If Karl Rove is following you (eep!) and you were NOT deeply frightened by the discovery, raise your hand.

Yeah.

“Today’s commercial fishers use massive ships the size of football fields and advanced electronic equipment and satellite communications to track fish. These enormous vessels can stay out at sea for as long as six months, storing thousands of tons of fish onboard in massive freezer compartments. Commercial fishing has become a big business…commercial fishers kill hundreds of billions of animals every year—far more than any other industry.”

Oh, PETA. Excellent cause. And so well-argued. Fishing is such a “big business” in the United States these days that the average fisherman brings home $28,280 a year and works in the occupation with the highest rate—by far—of fatalities on the job in the entire country. Commercial fishing is so gargantuan, in fact, that in 2007, it contributed just $34.2 billion to the United States GNP, which I think doesn’t even warrant it a single percentage point.

But hey, cute fishie graphic. I myself like my sea kittens grilled and marinated with rosemary and basil-infused olive oil. Preferably fresh out of Nantucket Sound. Oh wait! There’s only one commercial dragger left there. Damn.

Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg. You just made me confirm to you that I am a global devastation snubbing first-worlder.

“It’s important for people to be good to each other,” you told Forbes yesterday.

Which made me wonder just how much of your estimated $1.5 billion net worth YOU are devoting to slowing down the general deterioration of humanity? Hmmm? MARK? Prick.

Beeline it to your nearest morally-compromised physician’s office and go into a laundry list of your kindergartner’s rambunctious tendencies. Accept practically automatic prescription for stimulant medication. Fill. Consume daily. Rinse. Repeat.

This, ladies and gents, is what those at cultastic religious compounds just shy of their wedding dates (read: 12-year-olds) sport under those oh-so-cute-Laura-Ingalls getups. And now you too can get your very own sacred temple garment at fldsdress.com! Members of the FLDS, the polygamous Mormon offshoot group run over by the State of Texas in April for maybe having sex with a few too many teens, have started their own online store. E-commerce is for everyone! Never mind that what looks like an oversized onesie above is typically considered sacred by adherents, who “may be offended by public discussion of the garments,” according to, well, common knowledge and Wikipedia. One guy who tried selling his sacred underoos on eBay a few years ago had his listings yanked by the Internet giant after complaints from the Church of Latter Day Saints. Don’t worry, they replaced his listings once they discovered that selling union suits online isn’t illegal in any state, divine or not.